Pam’s Reflection on the Ride

I am on a roller coaster–financially over-commited, yet still believing this promotion, these screenings need to be done. I am also emotionally flayed, tired, feeling vulnerable… with moments of deep happiness and joy at connecting through the film–and as always–through my friends.

Also, my boys are growing and nearly gone–at 17, 19, and 21. I love seeing them as young men and they are in and out of the house this summer. I have a hard time leaving them, yet need to do these screenings, these trips. And, even if I did say no to screenings, there is no guarantee that they would be around. They very much have their own schedules and I delight in their busy-ness, their wealth of friends and plans.

So we come and go and try to have meals together, but its rare. I miss being central to their lives. Yet, they are beautiful, happy and we are working toward a different way of relating. My husband is going surfing this afternoon and they will go too. It is hard to compete with that. I have jobs for them on the film–and yes, they want to make money–so they do pay attention. Still–its not the same as seeing them skateboard and knowing that my seeing them mattered.

So much of that early centrality was about feeding, clothing, reading to them, taking them to sports and school, and finding things for them–i honestly would not want those jobs back–but I miss the conversation, the questions, their bodies close to mine. As near adults, we don’t touch much.

I miss, too, teaching them how to cook, to set the table, to take care of the cat, to be a good friend… to find their way in the world.

So, yes, this new dance. I live in a house of the nearly grown men– not boys–boys who unabashedly loved their mother. This too is an underlying tension–an an unvoiced sadness. This too tangles my heart.

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2 Responses to “Pam’s Reflection on the Ride”

  1. Dear Pamela,
    I just got wind of your film via The White House Project. I live in Durango, CO, a small western town, striving for sustainability and very filmaker ‘friendly’. So I’ve just seen the short clip from the film and I want to see the rest!! I am a True Life Coach and Women’s Retreat Leader, a mother and a wife (plus how many more roles??) My work, which I put out to the world every day is coaching individual women or leading retreats that teach tools for self-awarenss, increased consciousness and living a life of joy and meaning. I love art, and use it in every retreat I lead. I love music, as a former dancer and include movement in all my retreats. I love nature and the nurturance of Mother Earth and my work always includes deep listening in a natural environment of quiet. My main goal is to help women hear their own voice, from deep within, so that they – first – know what it sounds like! As working moms and all the many roles we answer to, and in our crazy, speed-obsessed world, it becomes harder and harder to hear past all the zillion demands to one’s own center. When you can, you can also start to honor that voice… with your yes’s and no’s, with your commitment to self-care, with your heart open and vulnerable. Then women can step into their own authentic leadership which the world so desperately needs. Not an easy path but one I work on each day and support other women to as well. We may have different mediums but I feel you are a kindred spirit and that our work is strongly connected.

    I have supported Jean Shinoda Bolen coming to Durango and also have volunteered for over 8 years with our local Women’s Resource Center in many capacities. I don’t know what it would take to bring your film here but I and my biz True Life Coaching, would love to explore that with you. If I need to enroll more sponsors than just myself, I will do that. I am very creative when it comes to visioning and the organizational follow through. My schedule opens alot after October 15th. I’d love to hear from you about your screenings, schedule and plans towards the end of the year. And if this year is all booked up, we can look at 2009! But I am very interested in bringing the inspiration and aliveness of the film (which I hope to see more of!) to my community.

    Many blessings and thanks for such awesome work!
    Victoria FittsMilgrim
    True Life Coach
    Durango, CO

  2. Marcy Feldheim Says:

    I am not an artist, but I struggled the same as you while raising my four children to do what I needed and wanted to do with my life. I felt torn at times, but no guilt. Each person has to meet the challenges of their life so long as it is not at the expense of another. You are making choices and setting an example for your boys on how to do the same.

    My kids are grown, have children and responsible jobs/careers. That is my greatest creation and your art, along with your children will be yours.

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